Friday, 30 September 2016

- Everything or Anything -

Dear friends,

we all have mental breakdowns. They happen thanks to every single thing what we're doing- are they happy or not, they just happen. And for me, they have become a bit of an every-day thing. Sorry, if it's too mental and weird and just- "ugh"- for you, but this is my blog. My sweet corner, where I can talk about everything and no one can judge me for that, am I right..? 
we are never always okay, but that doesn't mean that we can never be okay again. I know people who have thought that they'll never be okay again and ended a lot worser than they felt before. I don't want anything like this to happen to me, so that's the reason I am writing here, right now, on the last day of September, because this first month of school has been really exhausting. I just need some rest, but I can not let myself to do this, because even this weekend is completely booked for me. 
Tomorrow, at 12:30pm, I need to be at my singing studio; we are going to have a rehearsal and then, somewhere around 1pm, I need to go and perform with my songs. Jeez. Wish me luck, eh?
And on Sunday, I am going to have a rehearsal as well. 
I am a violinist in the one and only "Livonian Youth Orchestra", we have rehearsals every month. Absolutely every month, and I honestly have to say- "this time I don't feel like playing violin on a Sunday. Sorry." but eventually, I will propably find myself at 11:30am, in front of a bus stop, holding my violin case in one, and my bag in the other hand, waiting for my Livonian Youth Orchestra transport to arrive. heh. "You never get tired." some people say that to me too often to know the truth. I get tired. I am tired right now. And I will get tired every day I live. That's normal, isn't it? We all get tired! Oh my god, if you could see me in real life, you would be shocked how big dark circles I've got under my eyes, but I am not complaining. Not in front of my relatives or family. But yes, In here I do. And sorry for that. It won't happen again. Or it might. But let's just hope that they're not going to happen very soon, okay? Yeah. I'll try my best. 

Autumn. It's a time when we all should be happier for the upcoming "Festive season"- time and be soon very excited about Christmas. I am. Trying my best to think not that far away and concentrate on the place, the time I live in right now. On this exact same moment when I type these words into my keyboard and look out of the window. It's windy today. The trees are swinging, apples are falling down from the apple trees... the whole garden is covered with leaves and it feels like autumn. In a long time it truly feels like it. 

I don't know, what I was doing before I was born. 
Sometimes I imagine myself being up there. In the sky. Higher than sky. Higher than anything and waiting for my time to come. It was something I was waiting for a long time before it happened. 
I was born too early. I mean- I am okay. I don't have any diseases. I am a healthy girl. I love to do sports- my body is strong, but my mind... Well... Sometimes a bit weaker than the other half of me. 
I have some breakdowns. Mental ones. Really. I can cry or just sit and look out of the window for hours and just think, because I am too tired. I am exhausted, but I don't want to sleep. I don't know why. And I know what you might be afraid of- "No, friends! I am not ill or very- very sick. I am fine. Just a little bit tired, that's all." Don't worry. I am okay. Absolutely fine. 😊

When I was little, I used to imagine that I am someone very famous. Someone who people know. And when we travelled to Latvia, to Riga, then I used to cover my face with my hands when we were driving in a car. That was my way of covering my face from paparazzies. It was exciting and funny, and one of the coolest things I could think of. 
I used to write, sing, and dance back then, as well. 

Right now, I feel upset when some relatives come across to me on the streets. I don't know why, because I love them all. They are my friends, they're my relatives, my family, but I still feel upset. When I see someone, I act like a freak- I turn away. And if they even notice me, I am far- far away. Closed into my own world. Where no one could find me. 
Rubbish, eh? I know. I feel embarrassed myself. Ugh. 

I love writing and reading. It is always something special. A new start. A start of something new. 
Writing is.. just something I am good at. I can't put it in any other words. I am just good at it. For me, writing is like breathing. I need to do it to stay alive, or else, I will fall down. Everything closed in me. Desperate to come out. Desperate to even let me move. It's hard. 

Clouds. They ended up in the sky, didn't they? 
Beautiful. 
I wish I could be as free. But I can't. I have so much to do. 
Sorry. 
"It's fine."
I know, but still. 
"Sorry."
It's okay. I don't even think about it. 
"I know."
I know, you know. 

... And then everything goes black. I know what you might think- what the bloody hell was that?!
It's something what I just wrote. It's something what just popped in my mind on this exact moment. It's not perfect. It's not poetic or brilliant, but that's what I find good about it. That's what I am supposed to do in my life. 
Writing. 
It's me. I belong to writing. 
I belong to my own life. I am in the judge of my own life and I don't feel upset about it.
Writing is my life.

People have told me, that they don't think I am good at writing. That I should study more chemistry or biology or maths. Or at least languages. To become a teacher. 
When I was younger, I wanted to become a journalist, because I have loved writing since I was about 6 years old. My first stories were written when I was six years old. 
I WAS SIX! I loved writing, even if my stories were weird and brutally funny. I loved it even back then. People have said, that writing isn't a big deal. "That it isn't something what You could find yourself doing at,"- they've said to me. They've said: "Writing is not what you should like as a teenager. You can deal with it when you're old. But right now- you need to live a normal teenagers life. Make friends, not sit alone in the corner and write something no one can ever read." 
I remember that I started laughing. I remember how the person who said it to me, looked at me and rolled her eyes. Totally rolled her eyes. She hates me, but she needs to see me every Christmas and on her and my birthdays. It's my dad's mum. She brutally hates me. She never wants to see me. I know- my mum and dad say the same: "She doesn't hate you. She's just not used to teenagers behaviour. Not with a girl like you. You have your own opinion to every single thing." 
I know, mum and dad. I live in my own body and I own this mind. Funny, eh?

Books. I am a part of everything I've read. I am a part of every single thing I read and what I see with my eyes. Everything I want myself to remember, I will remember it. No matter what book I read. 
Books are mirrors: You only see in them, what you already have inside you. Everything matters what you read. Absolutely everything is important. It doesn't matter what you find important when you read it- trust me, it is important. 
Books are like mirrors: if a fool looks in, you cannot expect a genius to look out. 
Books are my escape from the crazy reality. I have my own favorites what I could read over and over again, and I will never ever get bored. I have a goal for this year as well- I want to read "Jane Eyre" by Charlotte Brontë. I absolutely have a goal to do it! Honestly! Please remind me to do it if I forget. 

Singing. It's a piece of me. I've done it as long as I can remember. My mother proves it. She says I began to sing long before I could talk. The first time I went on a singing competition, I was four years old. I can't remember what I felt on the stage when I was singing. Not really. But I can remember a little flick of the time I sang on a big stage. It felt scary to hear my voice so loud. I was four years old. And since that time, I've sang as long as I can remember. Tomorrow, I need to hear my voice loud again, and I feel like my heart is trying to jump out of my chest. It's already beating like crazy and when I think about it, I am getting even more and more nervous. Oh my god. Please wish me luck! But on the same time, I just love the feeling I get whenever I sing. On the stage or off the stage. I am not the best singer, but I am trying to be a bit better one. 
Again, singing is a part of my soul and I could never give it away. Honestly. I feel sorry for Ariel right now for that short amount of time when she lost her voice. I couldn't live like this. 
I remember times when I've lost my voice because of a sore throat and.. (I hope my vocal speciality teacher is not going to read it) well I've still sang. Even if she told me not to do it, I still have. What a terrible girl, am I right? 

Let's just say, we all have something what we love. In my serious and a very complicated case, it's about 5 things, what I couldn't live without. (My hobbies, of course. Not breathing or heartbeats..)

1. Reading
2. Writing
3. Singing
4. Dancing
5. Photographing

You know... it only takes about 5 things to change your life entirely. I wasn't the person who I am right now before I started doing all of these things. We all have our own secrets of what we love. 
Mine are these five, up there. 

Well, I am really sorry, my friends. This one was a bit long, very rambly and very.. weird- mooded. 
I am sorry. I will try my best not to let it happen again. I am truly sorry. 

*Tight hugs for my best friends- you*

Lots of Love 

Rosie xo


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